4-3-18

“Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.”
Epictetus
Dear little P,
Today I learnt another important lesson for myself. Maybe learnt isn’t the right way to describe it as I already ‘knew’ exactly how I should act in these moments, but you will learn that ‘knowing’ and ‘doing’ are enormously different things. Maybe the way to describe it is that I noticed another flaw in my actions which in turn is a positive discovery in my self-awareness and growth.
I would be lying if I said that I’m always composed in everyday moments, and today was the perfect example. As you may or may not know, I currently work a 10/4 roster at the feedlot and most of the time I’m not too concerned by it. Some days though, on the weekends in the middle of the shift, I just long to be at home with you and your mum. Normally my weekends are quiet, simple, and run smoothly but when they don’t I can get seriously upset by it.
Today started smoothly and you and your mother even came for a visit for morning tea and a load in the truck. Maybe that was why I wanted to be home so much, I’m not quite sure, but after you left I had a mechanical breakdown that I knew would cost me at least a couple of hours over the day. Honestly, this just really fucking (I tossed up whether to use this word here but I swear a bit and I’m trying to leave a part of me that’s not fake so there it is) pissed me off and I was infuriated for a good 10-20mins, cursing the place and the job and the equipment. Quickly finding my mind fill with jealous thoughts of all the people sitting at home, enjoying times with their families while I was here dealing with this shit. Probably sounds extremely childish while you’re reading this but in the moment it’s hard to be clear and smart.
Not too long ago, and will honestly most likely happen many times again, I would have let this affect my entire day and maybe even longer. I would have stewed, only concentrated on the shit parts of the situation, and just become a miserable person to be around for some time.
Today was different though, today a quote floated into my angered mind during the initial 20 minutes and it’s one I have probably only read once or twice. The exact wording that flashed by wasn’t exactly right, and it took me a bit to find the quote when I started writing this entry, but the result was the same.

“You don’t have to turn this into something. It doesn’t have to upset you.”
Marcus Aurelius

After it presented itself to my unsettled mind, and after repeating it a few times I realized that I had let an inanimate object control my emotions. That I was so upset with something that was completely out of my control.
By thinking it through more deeply and calmly, I realized that instead of being upset that I should be thankful for my job and the opportunities it provides our family and thankful for the events of the day for presenting me with an opportunity to grow, rather than being angered and upset for hours about such a situation.
I don’t expect you to read this and instantly be able to accept every bad thing that happens, we don’t work that way, but hopefully this can help the ‘Self Awareness’ part of you to, as often as possible, be towards the fore front of your daily thoughts.
That’s the real goal in these situations, not to be perfect in response, but to notice quickly when the response is lacking and change it.
Love from your slightly less irritable Father.